Monday, June 27, 2011

Support and child custody

In making an order for custody, visitation or partial custody to either parent, the Court shall consider, among other factors, whose father is more likely to encourage, permit and allow frequent and continuous contact and physical access between the child and the non-custodial parent. In addition, the Court examines each parent and the present and past violent or abusive conduct of adult family that may include, but is not limited to, abusive conduct, as defined under the law of October 7, 1976 (P.L. 1090, no. 218), known as protection from abuse Act. The Court shall award custody only when it is in the best interests of the child. In addition, an order for shared custody may be granted by the Court when it is in the best interests of the child:

At the request of one or both parents. When the parties have agreed to an award of custody.

[Based on Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes-Title 23-section: 5303]

Child Support:

Pennsylvania uses the "income shares" to determine the child support. Child and spousal support are allocated under the Pennsylvania child support guidelines as established by the general rule by the Supreme Court, to ensure that persons are likewise are treated equally. The guidelines are based on the reasonable needs of the child or of the spouse seeking support and the ability of the debtor to provide support. In determining the reasonable needs of the child or of the spouse seeking support and the ability of the debtor to provide support, the guidelines stress the primary incomes, net and gain the ability of the parties, with deviations permissible for unusual needs, special charges and other factors, as the parties ' activities, such as warrants special attention. In any proceedings to establish or modify an order requiring the payment of child support, the Court must ascertain the ability of each parent to provide health coverage for children of the parties and the order must provide medical coverage for every child as appropriate.

If applicable for the purposes of this section, a court may order one or both parents who are separated, divorced, single or otherwise subject to an obligation of support exists to provide equally for educational costs of their child, if this support is required before or after the child has reached 18 years of age. The responsibility to provide for the costs of postsecondary education is a responsibility shared between both parents. [Based on Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes-Title 23-sections: 4322, 4326 and 4327]

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Irreconcilable differences

Legal definition of irreconcilable differences:

No irreconcilable differences says the usual basis for granting a divorce (dissolution) with a no-fault divorce. If one party says that the marriage is irretrievable and refuses to reconcile these differences have been proved to exist.

The term "irreconcilable differences" came into use by the courts with the birth of laws on no-fault divorce. The idea behind the concept of differences in a marriage that are "irreconcilable had to take the needs of a spouse because of some wrong doing in order to divorce.

A definition that I read said, irreconcilable differences are those that are determined by the Court to be substantial reason for not continuing the marriage. " In other words, the courts will grant a divorce due to irreconcilable differences if it determines that the spouses do not agree on some fundamental issues.

I find the language, "the judge will determine" interesting since I don't know of a case of divorce pursuant to the no-fault divorce in which the courts "determined" anything. And maybe that's the problem with the concept of "irreconcilable differences" as the dismantling of a wedding or a family.

Some of the factors a court will be used to determine whether a marriage suffers from irreconcilable differences: differences in personality, unmet emotional, financial problems in the marriage, accumulated anger and resentment, lack of confidence in a spouse, bickering, Squabbling and aggressive feelings, or behaviors

In my opinion, one of seven items listed above are "irreconcilable." Aggressive behaviors and feelings is a grounds for divorce, but what about others? Let's take them one by one and discuss how it could be reconciled in an effort to save a marriage. Differences in personality: No two people have the same personality. The personality traits that first there has drawn to a person can end up being those who irritate us more. Is being irritated by the personality traits of another good reason of divorce though?

Normally these differences are magnified during periods of stress as the birth of a child, financial difficulties or the details of everyday life. If you have fallen in love with him, because he was easy going and relaxed, it makes sense that you'll find it irritating when dinner is late or can't get up the gumption to light a fire under the auto mechanic. That easy going, laid back personality who has completed your personality type now goes up against the wall.

How do you reconcile this difference? Let him take care of the issues that he's good at; takes care of problems that you are good. If you are no longer able to light a fire under the car mechanic, is that your task. You should play out other strengths instead of focusing on the differences between each other.

Unmet emotional: Most of us deal with the wounds of childhood that prevent us from being able to identify what are truly our emotional needs. We expect our spouse to fill a need that is not his place to fill. We carry toxic beliefs of marriage and have unrealistic expectations of a spouse who leaves us unable to get our needs met because those needs are so unreasonable.

For example, if the emotional needs of the wife had never encountered as a child, if it ever was given affection, affirmation or praise won't need those things. In turn, since you don't need you do not realize or be able to satisfy your need for those things.

Marriage counselling or working with an educator marriage helps couples identify their emotional needs and how to get them met. If you need more, you have to ask touch touch plus, if you need words of affirmation that you have to let it be known that these words are important to you.

Most often, when one of the spouses is not always their emotional needs met, the other is not. If you feel that your emotional needs are not being met, instead of filing for a divorce to seek therapy because divorce is a way to get those needs exploited out.

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Fear of anger

Fear of expressing anger by Margaret Paul, Ph.d.

There is much to learn from the rage, but many people are afraid of this feeling, because they don't know how to express anger in ways that are beneficial rather than harmful. I teach a process to my workshop inner bonding weekend called "Process anger". This process is powerful, which is described below, is not only for the suppressed anger in ways that are harmless, but also to find out what your responsibility is in conflict with another person.

Often, when I describe this process in a workshop, some people get anxious and wants to leave. Afraid to anger and to express their anger. This is invariably because they come from a family where one or both parents or other caregivers were angry so violent, Middle-a way that caused harm to others. These people are so afraid to be like their mother or father that they suppress their anger, pulling out on themselves instead of others.

Neither dumped nor anger on others it suppress and take on oneself is healthy. Anger expressed in these ways talk about control rather than learning. Venting anger over another is control through intimidation and guilt. Anger is dumping on themselves on feelings that are more difficult to feel anger, such as anxiety, fear, loneliness or impotence than others.

Anger is an emotion. Is here to tell us something, to teach us how we're thinking or act that is not in our highest good. You may have been taught that the behavior of other people causes your anger, but generally it is not true. Others may behave in ways that you don't like, but your anger against them is often a projection of how are not taking care of yourself-a way to control them rather than take care of yourself.

It is important to distinguish between blaming the rage and anger is justified, which is actually an insult. Indignation is the feeling we have when there is injustice, as seeing someone of abusing a child. Outrage moves to take appropriate action, loving our us or other account.

Blaming the anger comes from feeling like a victim and there is a hook to take personal responsibility for ourselves. This anger leads to learning or healthy action.

The process of anger is a way of expressing anger that leads to learning and growth. When people in my lab wants to leave rather than doing the job, I explain to them that is very important for them to reassure frightened child within this anger isn't like their father or mother of anger – not be expressed with the intent of the control. Is being expressed with the intention of learning.

The process of anger is a three-step process:

Fully express the anger towards a person that you're actually angry with (not in their presence!). Can yell, call names, kicking something and stomp with fists on a pillow or with a sledgehammer, but you can hurt yourself or by anyone else. Ask yourself that this person will remember in the past – parent, teacher, sibling, friend-and then let the angry you yet fully express the anger. Finally-and this is the most important-allow child angry internal express her rage onto you, the adult, for any ways you are not taking care of themselves in this conflict, or any ways you are treating yourself badly.

Phase three is the most important, because it brings the issue home to personal responsibility. If you just do the first two parts, you are left to feel like a victim angry. The anger that comes from being a victim is a bottomless pit and will not ever learning and resolution.

Once you understand that you can express your anger with the intention of learning, the fear of his rage will go away. You don't repress your anger in order to not be like your parents. You can express it harmless in The Process anger and know what your anger is trying to tell you.

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. is the best-selling author and coauthor of eight books, including "I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing your aloneness." She is the co-creator of inner Bonding healing process.

: Related content Passive aggressive behavior, a form of covert abuse

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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Divorce tips

This first step is an emotional. Is the step that we must take the decision to divorce. The first thing you should ask yourself is do you really want a divorce. Next, you must make sure that you have done everything they can to try to solve the problems in your marriage and retrieve the relationship with your spouse.

I firmly believe that if you have children you are morally obligated to do everything they can to save your marriage. Divorce is not a decision to make lightly, is not a decision that you make when feeling too stressed and not a decision to make if you are dealing with depression. My sincere advise anyone thinking about divorce is primarily seek couples counseling, speaking with his clergy, talk with your spouse about problems like to see them and be prepared to work on your marriage before walking away from the marriage of savings.

We live in a throw away society. We have become people that when the going gets tough. Unless you are suffering abuse or serial infidelity the commitment you made to your spouse and the marriage should be the most important thing in your life. Should be the thing that you work hard to maintain.

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Ambiguous behaviors

Reply: defines ambiguous as, "the lack of information regarding the feelings or intentions. If your spouse behaviors are ambiguous, constantly receiving contradictory messages. More than likely you spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what was meant with certain words or actions.

Ambiguity is often a section that is in a passive aggressive person. Omitting constantly express honestly what they are feeling and thinking evil the passive aggressive. It is impossible to work through conflicts with anyone that sends information insufficient and unclear.

Being in a relationship with someone who is unable or does not open and honest about how they are feeling or what they think will anxiously wondering what are the intentions of your spouse. You end up tempted to themselves or to question the commitment of your spouse relationship. Below are some examples of ambiguous behaviors.

John is a very loving husband. He holds the hand of Jane and cuddling with her on the couch. Get John into the bedroom, though it's hands off. He is all Jane in the kitchen, but doesn't even seem to realize that she shares the same bed with him. John is sending mixed messages ambiguous, Jane. Jane begins to feel paranoid. Because you don't want sex with me? He is having sex with another woman?

More than likely that John is faithful to her wedding, but having mixed feelings towards his wife. Can't come out and express his negative feelings honestly so he expresses rejecting her sexually. Instead of opening up about his negative feelings and find a solution that will strengthen the relationship, John is choosing subconsciously to do with his negative emotions to punish Jane. Not only are his negative feelings hurt the relationship, but the way that he deals with those feelings to further damage.

June is upset with Jake above an unkind remark that he made to her. June tells Jake that his feelings were hurt when she said that the House wasn't quite tidy and spent his days of wasting time. Jake responds to June saying: "well" and walks away. June is left to wonder what "good". Jake will not mean longer comments rude do? It means that Jake could care less if your feelings were hurt or not?

June has no way of knowing whether she was heard by Jake or whether her feelings are important for Jake. June of course begin to make assumptions about Jakes feelings for her, and you can bet that these assumptions will be negative.

Jill and Joe spoke of buying a new car for several months. Joe wants to buy a car and Jill Jill has a definitive opinion on which car he wants. One day Joe arrives home with a new car. Not that he wanted Jill but a machine which Joe felt was more appropriate.

Joe was willing to discuss what kind of car they could buy, but when it came to take the final decision, Jill has closed. He sent Jill a message even though you may have an opinion, not those opinions were of any value of Joe.

The only thing that is common in all three examples is the devaluation of the feelings from a spouse. The spouse whose behaviors are ambiguous and not only devalues their feelings are those of their spouse devalue. When a spouse begins to hear his thoughts or opinions are of no value begin to withdraw from the relationship. They are, after all in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care so why you should care.

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Verbal abuse

I recently received an email from a reader. Below is an excerpt from that email.

"My husband cries constantly. The least little thing he gets. The other day not to load the dishwasher the way he thought it should be. For 30 minutes, I had to hear him yelling and cursing about how he is the only one here who knows how to do things the right way.

You should hear the things that he shouts at my son, while coaching him in baseball. What I want to know is, is this bad for me and my son have to hear someone yelling and screaming all the time. "

My answer to the reader? YES! The husband has clearly the problems of managing anger and she and her son will suffer the consequences if she allows the behavior to continue. This is clearly a case of verbal abuse.

There are healthy ways to express anger and husband of this player needs to learn that he communicate so loving, respectful, or not communicate at all. There are steps you can take to change the situation. However, if the husband does not change, there are steps … divorce, you can take to protect herself and her son from the negative consequences of verbal abuse of her husband.

Related content:

The spouse call you names?
The spouse makes use of words to ashamed?
Does your spouse use threats to intimidate you?
The spouse you blame for their bad behavior?
The spouse reject your feelings?
The marriage is making you sick?
Is your spouse verbally manipulate you?

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The rights of the child in divorce

List composed by lawyer Rob v. Robertson

Marriage is a contract between the adults, and when it ends, the question is between adults. Yet, any action of parents has a greater impact on children. Children love their parents and want to be with them. Even in times of great stress, parents have the responsibility to conduct their legal Affairs, in order to protect their children from adult conflicts.

To a minimum, children are entitled to Bill of Rights as follows: Nor father will disown the child reasonable use of the phone to make and receive calls with other parents and relatives. Nor father must speak or write derogatory comments about the other parent to child or engage in abusive or foul language, coarse, which can be heard by the child or the tongue involves the other parent. Nor father allow children to hear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions on legal or business relationship between the parents. Nor father must attempt to physically or psychologically, to seek to influence, pressure or influence children on personal opinion or position of the child relating to legal proceedings between the parents. Each parent will allow your child to view photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child's room. Nor father communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child for the choice of parents for other values, lifestyle, choice of friends, successes or failures in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice. The parents the child confirms that the child has two houses, although the child may spend more time at home than the other one. Parents cooperate whenever possible in sharing time with the child.Each parent will allow your child to keep and allow for easy access, correspondence, greeting cards and other written materials, received by the other parent. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of objects owned by the child that depict the other parent or the child's other parent. Nor father trivialize or deny the existence of other parent to child. Father will interrogate the child on the other parent or both parents will discourage comments from children on the other parent. Neither parent will intercept, "Miss", derail, "forget" or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent. Nor father refuses to recognize that the child may have, or should have good experiences with the other parent. Nor father will directly or indirectly to attack or criticize your child's extended family of the other parent, the other parent's career, the life and journey of the other parent, or legitimate activities of the other parent or members of the other parent. Nor father will use the child as an "intermediary" using the child to communicate with the other parent on inappropriate topics. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child, by engaging in "circumstantial syndrome" which is done by manipulating, changing or rearranging the facts. Nor father will create for or exaggerate a child, the differences between the parents. Nor father say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an "ally" against the other parent. Nor father will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents or relatives. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively towards the other parent. Nor father will try to make the child to believe that he or she loves the child more than the other parent, credit, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or over-informing the child about overindulging themes adult or child. Nor father will discuss problems of support of the child with the child. Neither parent will embark on judges, opinionated comment or negative physical inspections or interrogations, once the child comes from his home. Nor father will "rewrite" or "script" facts that the child knows originally be different. Nor father will punish your child physically or threaten such punishment in order to influence the child to take the negative of the parent program, if appropriate, against the other parent. Nor father allow the baby to be carried by a person who is poisoned due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs. Nor father is tobacco smoke materials within structures or vehicles occupied at the time by the child. Each parent will bring gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child with him or her at the residence of another parent or relatives or allow the child to take gifts, baby toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent, if necessary, to facilitate the child with him or her objectsimportant for the child. Gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child which means here the elements that are reasonable and do not include transport pets (that parents agree are impractical to move).Children and divorce, what you need to KnowMeeting the needs of your child during DivorceMore on children and divorce

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