In a healthy marriage both spouses feel free to express their emotions, needs and desires. It is inevitable that express emotions can sometimes express anger, healthy and involved in the conflict. Anger is part of a healthy relationship if the anger expressed correctly.
During my work as an educator I remember a couple's wedding, Joan and Mark, both in their late 40s. They came to me for help, hoping to save their marriage from divorce.
Joan had suffered from depression for most of their marriage for 20 years. Both expressed a deep love for each other but Mark felt that he could not handle is no longer constant state of Joan depression.
Joan was through therapy, with several different therapists. It was medication, and turn off the drug. Nothing Joan tried to tackle her depression and find that a solution had worked.
For some reason she could not "feel like the person" was the first married Mark. After determining that there were no genetic or physical reasons for depression of Joan I was led to the conclusion that his depression had to be related somehow to the marriage.
I had a strong feeling that the depression of situational and Joan was observing demeanour of Mark has had a good idea what were the problems in the marriage and caused the depression. It was a sort of pick up in person. Often, answering questions meant to Joan.
Most situational depression is caused by anger at others or anger for others that was turned inward. I suspect that the depression of Joan was nothing more than the anger and resentment toward Mark. Anger that she had turned inward upon himself.
When I ask Joan and Mark how often they got angry at each other and have not responded, I've never known my suspicions were correct. I explained to them that by claiming it was a way of being heard, both having their needs met. And that when one or the other set aside their demands in order to maintain piece in marriage, then that person wasn't really a part of marriage. It was not necessary!
Joan had given up herself, when she married. He thought it was his Christian duty to submit to her husband and in her submission that didn't make waves or rocking boats. Joan was the type of person to go along with her husband's assertive ideas of what was right and wrong for marriage and couples.
If done correctly arguing, conflicts and friction in a marriage will refine and strengthen marriage. I have worked with Joan and Mark for a few months. Joan had to learn to be more assertive. Mark had to learn that his manner was not the only way.
As Joan has become more convenient to express her emotions and her needs the depression began to lift. She was able to turn that anger and resentment towards the outside in a healthy manner. In this way he saved herself and her wedding!
What are the rules of healthy claiming that I taught Joan and Mark?Tell the truth in a loving way. Anger can be communicated without name calling, screaming, yelling or threatening. Feelings of anger, you should replace the feelings of love. It is important to realize that being angry at someone Doe not mean that no more you love them. Not should I or shouldn't ts are allowed in your talk to each other, because the spouse who is using them instead to be a parent of a spouse. Do not say that the spouse what should or shouldn't do. You say that a spouse what you'd like them to do and then give them the opportunity to choose whether or not it is something they want to do. Use messages "Feel". Remember, with emotions are made. Both should be supported and in a way that doesn't put the other spouse on the defensive. A "Feel" message allows you to express how she felt something he/she has done or said. Gives you the opportunity to express their feelings, but does not necessarily mean you'll get your way but at least you get to express your feelings.
Consider this, however, "I" messages will be met with more openness is always saying, "so and so", or "You hurt me." Want to talk about how you feel, do not point the finger at what did your spouse or did not.Don't jump to conclusions about what is thinking or feeling your spouse. If you want to know, ask him/her. Just because you share your feelings does not mean your spouse "hear" what they were saying.
During communication that we need to express and listen to be understood. Many of us are guilty of feeling something other than what is actually said. Make sure you express your needs and that your spouse understands these needs. Asking to repeat to you what you have said will help you. If you are being misunderstood, you can resolve a misunderstanding!
Joan was under the impression that if he shared his feelings and expresses anger at her husband would withdraw from you, growing apart. Feelings of anger, when properly shared, do the same as the feelings of love; they meet a couple closer.
You get to know and understand each other better. Feels more secure within the report, if you know that is sure to express your feelings of anger. You learn that the marriage is not a competition, a game in which one spouse has more control than the other.
Nothing promotes love and intimacy over work together without fear of reprisal ... with a commitment to do what is best for the wedding.