Fear of anger

Fear of expressing anger by Margaret Paul, Ph.d.

There is much to learn from the rage, but many people are afraid of this feeling, because they don't know how to express anger in ways that are beneficial rather than harmful. I teach a process to my workshop inner bonding weekend called "Process anger". This process is powerful, which is described below, is not only for the suppressed anger in ways that are harmless, but also to find out what your responsibility is in conflict with another person.

Often, when I describe this process in a workshop, some people get anxious and wants to leave. Afraid to anger and to express their anger. This is invariably because they come from a family where one or both parents or other caregivers were angry so violent, Middle-a way that caused harm to others. These people are so afraid to be like their mother or father that they suppress their anger, pulling out on themselves instead of others.

Neither dumped nor anger on others it suppress and take on oneself is healthy. Anger expressed in these ways talk about control rather than learning. Venting anger over another is control through intimidation and guilt. Anger is dumping on themselves on feelings that are more difficult to feel anger, such as anxiety, fear, loneliness or impotence than others.

Anger is an emotion. Is here to tell us something, to teach us how we're thinking or act that is not in our highest good. You may have been taught that the behavior of other people causes your anger, but generally it is not true. Others may behave in ways that you don't like, but your anger against them is often a projection of how are not taking care of yourself-a way to control them rather than take care of yourself.

It is important to distinguish between blaming the rage and anger is justified, which is actually an insult. Indignation is the feeling we have when there is injustice, as seeing someone of abusing a child. Outrage moves to take appropriate action, loving our us or other account.

Blaming the anger comes from feeling like a victim and there is a hook to take personal responsibility for ourselves. This anger leads to learning or healthy action.

The process of anger is a way of expressing anger that leads to learning and growth. When people in my lab wants to leave rather than doing the job, I explain to them that is very important for them to reassure frightened child within this anger isn't like their father or mother of anger – not be expressed with the intent of the control. Is being expressed with the intention of learning.

The process of anger is a three-step process:

Fully express the anger towards a person that you're actually angry with (not in their presence!). Can yell, call names, kicking something and stomp with fists on a pillow or with a sledgehammer, but you can hurt yourself or by anyone else. Ask yourself that this person will remember in the past – parent, teacher, sibling, friend-and then let the angry you yet fully express the anger. Finally-and this is the most important-allow child angry internal express her rage onto you, the adult, for any ways you are not taking care of themselves in this conflict, or any ways you are treating yourself badly.

Phase three is the most important, because it brings the issue home to personal responsibility. If you just do the first two parts, you are left to feel like a victim angry. The anger that comes from being a victim is a bottomless pit and will not ever learning and resolution.

Once you understand that you can express your anger with the intention of learning, the fear of his rage will go away. You don't repress your anger in order to not be like your parents. You can express it harmless in The Process anger and know what your anger is trying to tell you.

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. is the best-selling author and coauthor of eight books, including "I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing your aloneness." She is the co-creator of inner Bonding healing process.

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Healthy anger

In a healthy marriage both spouses feel free to express their emotions, needs and desires. It is inevitable that express emotions can sometimes express anger, healthy and involved in the conflict. Anger is part of a healthy relationship if the anger expressed correctly.

During my work as an educator I remember a couple's wedding, Joan and Mark, both in their late 40s. They came to me for help, hoping to save their marriage from divorce.

Joan had suffered from depression for most of their marriage for 20 years. Both expressed a deep love for each other but Mark felt that he could not handle is no longer constant state of Joan depression.

Joan was through therapy, with several different therapists. It was medication, and turn off the drug. Nothing Joan tried to tackle her depression and find that a solution had worked.

For some reason she could not "feel like the person" was the first married Mark. After determining that there were no genetic or physical reasons for depression of Joan I was led to the conclusion that his depression had to be related somehow to the marriage.

I had a strong feeling that the depression of situational and Joan was observing demeanour of Mark has had a good idea what were the problems in the marriage and caused the depression. It was a sort of pick up in person. Often, answering questions meant to Joan.

Most situational depression is caused by anger at others or anger for others that was turned inward. I suspect that the depression of Joan was nothing more than the anger and resentment toward Mark. Anger that she had turned inward upon himself.

When I ask Joan and Mark how often they got angry at each other and have not responded, I've never known my suspicions were correct. I explained to them that by claiming it was a way of being heard, both having their needs met. And that when one or the other set aside their demands in order to maintain piece in marriage, then that person wasn't really a part of marriage. It was not necessary!

Joan had given up herself, when she married. He thought it was his Christian duty to submit to her husband and in her submission that didn't make waves or rocking boats. Joan was the type of person to go along with her husband's assertive ideas of what was right and wrong for marriage and couples.

If done correctly arguing, conflicts and friction in a marriage will refine and strengthen marriage. I have worked with Joan and Mark for a few months. Joan had to learn to be more assertive. Mark had to learn that his manner was not the only way.

As Joan has become more convenient to express her emotions and her needs the depression began to lift. She was able to turn that anger and resentment towards the outside in a healthy manner. In this way he saved herself and her wedding!

What are the rules of healthy claiming that I taught Joan and Mark?

Tell the truth in a loving way. Anger can be communicated without name calling, screaming, yelling or threatening. Feelings of anger, you should replace the feelings of love. It is important to realize that being angry at someone Doe not mean that no more you love them. Not should I or shouldn't ts are allowed in your talk to each other, because the spouse who is using them instead to be a parent of a spouse. Do not say that the spouse what should or shouldn't do. You say that a spouse what you'd like them to do and then give them the opportunity to choose whether or not it is something they want to do. Use messages "Feel". Remember, with emotions are made. Both should be supported and in a way that doesn't put the other spouse on the defensive. A "Feel" message allows you to express how she felt something he/she has done or said. Gives you the opportunity to express their feelings, but does not necessarily mean you'll get your way but at least you get to express your feelings.

Consider this, however, "I" messages will be met with more openness is always saying, "so and so", or "You hurt me." Want to talk about how you feel, do not point the finger at what did your spouse or did not.

Don't jump to conclusions about what is thinking or feeling your spouse. If you want to know, ask him/her. Just because you share your feelings does not mean your spouse "hear" what they were saying.

During communication that we need to express and listen to be understood. Many of us are guilty of feeling something other than what is actually said. Make sure you express your needs and that your spouse understands these needs. Asking to repeat to you what you have said will help you. If you are being misunderstood, you can resolve a misunderstanding!

Joan was under the impression that if he shared his feelings and expresses anger at her husband would withdraw from you, growing apart. Feelings of anger, when properly shared, do the same as the feelings of love; they meet a couple closer.

You get to know and understand each other better. Feels more secure within the report, if you know that is sure to express your feelings of anger. You learn that the marriage is not a competition, a game in which one spouse has more control than the other.

Nothing promotes love and intimacy over work together without fear of reprisal ... with a commitment to do what is best for the wedding.

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