Monday, June 27, 2011

Support and child custody

In making an order for custody, visitation or partial custody to either parent, the Court shall consider, among other factors, whose father is more likely to encourage, permit and allow frequent and continuous contact and physical access between the child and the non-custodial parent. In addition, the Court examines each parent and the present and past violent or abusive conduct of adult family that may include, but is not limited to, abusive conduct, as defined under the law of October 7, 1976 (P.L. 1090, no. 218), known as protection from abuse Act. The Court shall award custody only when it is in the best interests of the child. In addition, an order for shared custody may be granted by the Court when it is in the best interests of the child:

At the request of one or both parents. When the parties have agreed to an award of custody.

[Based on Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes-Title 23-section: 5303]

Child Support:

Pennsylvania uses the "income shares" to determine the child support. Child and spousal support are allocated under the Pennsylvania child support guidelines as established by the general rule by the Supreme Court, to ensure that persons are likewise are treated equally. The guidelines are based on the reasonable needs of the child or of the spouse seeking support and the ability of the debtor to provide support. In determining the reasonable needs of the child or of the spouse seeking support and the ability of the debtor to provide support, the guidelines stress the primary incomes, net and gain the ability of the parties, with deviations permissible for unusual needs, special charges and other factors, as the parties ' activities, such as warrants special attention. In any proceedings to establish or modify an order requiring the payment of child support, the Court must ascertain the ability of each parent to provide health coverage for children of the parties and the order must provide medical coverage for every child as appropriate.

If applicable for the purposes of this section, a court may order one or both parents who are separated, divorced, single or otherwise subject to an obligation of support exists to provide equally for educational costs of their child, if this support is required before or after the child has reached 18 years of age. The responsibility to provide for the costs of postsecondary education is a responsibility shared between both parents. [Based on Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes-Title 23-sections: 4322, 4326 and 4327]

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Irreconcilable differences

Legal definition of irreconcilable differences:

No irreconcilable differences says the usual basis for granting a divorce (dissolution) with a no-fault divorce. If one party says that the marriage is irretrievable and refuses to reconcile these differences have been proved to exist.

The term "irreconcilable differences" came into use by the courts with the birth of laws on no-fault divorce. The idea behind the concept of differences in a marriage that are "irreconcilable had to take the needs of a spouse because of some wrong doing in order to divorce.

A definition that I read said, irreconcilable differences are those that are determined by the Court to be substantial reason for not continuing the marriage. " In other words, the courts will grant a divorce due to irreconcilable differences if it determines that the spouses do not agree on some fundamental issues.

I find the language, "the judge will determine" interesting since I don't know of a case of divorce pursuant to the no-fault divorce in which the courts "determined" anything. And maybe that's the problem with the concept of "irreconcilable differences" as the dismantling of a wedding or a family.

Some of the factors a court will be used to determine whether a marriage suffers from irreconcilable differences: differences in personality, unmet emotional, financial problems in the marriage, accumulated anger and resentment, lack of confidence in a spouse, bickering, Squabbling and aggressive feelings, or behaviors

In my opinion, one of seven items listed above are "irreconcilable." Aggressive behaviors and feelings is a grounds for divorce, but what about others? Let's take them one by one and discuss how it could be reconciled in an effort to save a marriage. Differences in personality: No two people have the same personality. The personality traits that first there has drawn to a person can end up being those who irritate us more. Is being irritated by the personality traits of another good reason of divorce though?

Normally these differences are magnified during periods of stress as the birth of a child, financial difficulties or the details of everyday life. If you have fallen in love with him, because he was easy going and relaxed, it makes sense that you'll find it irritating when dinner is late or can't get up the gumption to light a fire under the auto mechanic. That easy going, laid back personality who has completed your personality type now goes up against the wall.

How do you reconcile this difference? Let him take care of the issues that he's good at; takes care of problems that you are good. If you are no longer able to light a fire under the car mechanic, is that your task. You should play out other strengths instead of focusing on the differences between each other.

Unmet emotional: Most of us deal with the wounds of childhood that prevent us from being able to identify what are truly our emotional needs. We expect our spouse to fill a need that is not his place to fill. We carry toxic beliefs of marriage and have unrealistic expectations of a spouse who leaves us unable to get our needs met because those needs are so unreasonable.

For example, if the emotional needs of the wife had never encountered as a child, if it ever was given affection, affirmation or praise won't need those things. In turn, since you don't need you do not realize or be able to satisfy your need for those things.

Marriage counselling or working with an educator marriage helps couples identify their emotional needs and how to get them met. If you need more, you have to ask touch touch plus, if you need words of affirmation that you have to let it be known that these words are important to you.

Most often, when one of the spouses is not always their emotional needs met, the other is not. If you feel that your emotional needs are not being met, instead of filing for a divorce to seek therapy because divorce is a way to get those needs exploited out.

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Fear of anger

Fear of expressing anger by Margaret Paul, Ph.d.

There is much to learn from the rage, but many people are afraid of this feeling, because they don't know how to express anger in ways that are beneficial rather than harmful. I teach a process to my workshop inner bonding weekend called "Process anger". This process is powerful, which is described below, is not only for the suppressed anger in ways that are harmless, but also to find out what your responsibility is in conflict with another person.

Often, when I describe this process in a workshop, some people get anxious and wants to leave. Afraid to anger and to express their anger. This is invariably because they come from a family where one or both parents or other caregivers were angry so violent, Middle-a way that caused harm to others. These people are so afraid to be like their mother or father that they suppress their anger, pulling out on themselves instead of others.

Neither dumped nor anger on others it suppress and take on oneself is healthy. Anger expressed in these ways talk about control rather than learning. Venting anger over another is control through intimidation and guilt. Anger is dumping on themselves on feelings that are more difficult to feel anger, such as anxiety, fear, loneliness or impotence than others.

Anger is an emotion. Is here to tell us something, to teach us how we're thinking or act that is not in our highest good. You may have been taught that the behavior of other people causes your anger, but generally it is not true. Others may behave in ways that you don't like, but your anger against them is often a projection of how are not taking care of yourself-a way to control them rather than take care of yourself.

It is important to distinguish between blaming the rage and anger is justified, which is actually an insult. Indignation is the feeling we have when there is injustice, as seeing someone of abusing a child. Outrage moves to take appropriate action, loving our us or other account.

Blaming the anger comes from feeling like a victim and there is a hook to take personal responsibility for ourselves. This anger leads to learning or healthy action.

The process of anger is a way of expressing anger that leads to learning and growth. When people in my lab wants to leave rather than doing the job, I explain to them that is very important for them to reassure frightened child within this anger isn't like their father or mother of anger – not be expressed with the intent of the control. Is being expressed with the intention of learning.

The process of anger is a three-step process:

Fully express the anger towards a person that you're actually angry with (not in their presence!). Can yell, call names, kicking something and stomp with fists on a pillow or with a sledgehammer, but you can hurt yourself or by anyone else. Ask yourself that this person will remember in the past – parent, teacher, sibling, friend-and then let the angry you yet fully express the anger. Finally-and this is the most important-allow child angry internal express her rage onto you, the adult, for any ways you are not taking care of themselves in this conflict, or any ways you are treating yourself badly.

Phase three is the most important, because it brings the issue home to personal responsibility. If you just do the first two parts, you are left to feel like a victim angry. The anger that comes from being a victim is a bottomless pit and will not ever learning and resolution.

Once you understand that you can express your anger with the intention of learning, the fear of his rage will go away. You don't repress your anger in order to not be like your parents. You can express it harmless in The Process anger and know what your anger is trying to tell you.

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. is the best-selling author and coauthor of eight books, including "I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing your aloneness." She is the co-creator of inner Bonding healing process.

: Related content Passive aggressive behavior, a form of covert abuse

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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Divorce tips

This first step is an emotional. Is the step that we must take the decision to divorce. The first thing you should ask yourself is do you really want a divorce. Next, you must make sure that you have done everything they can to try to solve the problems in your marriage and retrieve the relationship with your spouse.

I firmly believe that if you have children you are morally obligated to do everything they can to save your marriage. Divorce is not a decision to make lightly, is not a decision that you make when feeling too stressed and not a decision to make if you are dealing with depression. My sincere advise anyone thinking about divorce is primarily seek couples counseling, speaking with his clergy, talk with your spouse about problems like to see them and be prepared to work on your marriage before walking away from the marriage of savings.

We live in a throw away society. We have become people that when the going gets tough. Unless you are suffering abuse or serial infidelity the commitment you made to your spouse and the marriage should be the most important thing in your life. Should be the thing that you work hard to maintain.

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Ambiguous behaviors

Reply: defines ambiguous as, "the lack of information regarding the feelings or intentions. If your spouse behaviors are ambiguous, constantly receiving contradictory messages. More than likely you spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what was meant with certain words or actions.

Ambiguity is often a section that is in a passive aggressive person. Omitting constantly express honestly what they are feeling and thinking evil the passive aggressive. It is impossible to work through conflicts with anyone that sends information insufficient and unclear.

Being in a relationship with someone who is unable or does not open and honest about how they are feeling or what they think will anxiously wondering what are the intentions of your spouse. You end up tempted to themselves or to question the commitment of your spouse relationship. Below are some examples of ambiguous behaviors.

John is a very loving husband. He holds the hand of Jane and cuddling with her on the couch. Get John into the bedroom, though it's hands off. He is all Jane in the kitchen, but doesn't even seem to realize that she shares the same bed with him. John is sending mixed messages ambiguous, Jane. Jane begins to feel paranoid. Because you don't want sex with me? He is having sex with another woman?

More than likely that John is faithful to her wedding, but having mixed feelings towards his wife. Can't come out and express his negative feelings honestly so he expresses rejecting her sexually. Instead of opening up about his negative feelings and find a solution that will strengthen the relationship, John is choosing subconsciously to do with his negative emotions to punish Jane. Not only are his negative feelings hurt the relationship, but the way that he deals with those feelings to further damage.

June is upset with Jake above an unkind remark that he made to her. June tells Jake that his feelings were hurt when she said that the House wasn't quite tidy and spent his days of wasting time. Jake responds to June saying: "well" and walks away. June is left to wonder what "good". Jake will not mean longer comments rude do? It means that Jake could care less if your feelings were hurt or not?

June has no way of knowing whether she was heard by Jake or whether her feelings are important for Jake. June of course begin to make assumptions about Jakes feelings for her, and you can bet that these assumptions will be negative.

Jill and Joe spoke of buying a new car for several months. Joe wants to buy a car and Jill Jill has a definitive opinion on which car he wants. One day Joe arrives home with a new car. Not that he wanted Jill but a machine which Joe felt was more appropriate.

Joe was willing to discuss what kind of car they could buy, but when it came to take the final decision, Jill has closed. He sent Jill a message even though you may have an opinion, not those opinions were of any value of Joe.

The only thing that is common in all three examples is the devaluation of the feelings from a spouse. The spouse whose behaviors are ambiguous and not only devalues their feelings are those of their spouse devalue. When a spouse begins to hear his thoughts or opinions are of no value begin to withdraw from the relationship. They are, after all in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care so why you should care.

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Verbal abuse

I recently received an email from a reader. Below is an excerpt from that email.

"My husband cries constantly. The least little thing he gets. The other day not to load the dishwasher the way he thought it should be. For 30 minutes, I had to hear him yelling and cursing about how he is the only one here who knows how to do things the right way.

You should hear the things that he shouts at my son, while coaching him in baseball. What I want to know is, is this bad for me and my son have to hear someone yelling and screaming all the time. "

My answer to the reader? YES! The husband has clearly the problems of managing anger and she and her son will suffer the consequences if she allows the behavior to continue. This is clearly a case of verbal abuse.

There are healthy ways to express anger and husband of this player needs to learn that he communicate so loving, respectful, or not communicate at all. There are steps you can take to change the situation. However, if the husband does not change, there are steps … divorce, you can take to protect herself and her son from the negative consequences of verbal abuse of her husband.

Related content:

The spouse call you names?
The spouse makes use of words to ashamed?
Does your spouse use threats to intimidate you?
The spouse you blame for their bad behavior?
The spouse reject your feelings?
The marriage is making you sick?
Is your spouse verbally manipulate you?

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The rights of the child in divorce

List composed by lawyer Rob v. Robertson

Marriage is a contract between the adults, and when it ends, the question is between adults. Yet, any action of parents has a greater impact on children. Children love their parents and want to be with them. Even in times of great stress, parents have the responsibility to conduct their legal Affairs, in order to protect their children from adult conflicts.

To a minimum, children are entitled to Bill of Rights as follows: Nor father will disown the child reasonable use of the phone to make and receive calls with other parents and relatives. Nor father must speak or write derogatory comments about the other parent to child or engage in abusive or foul language, coarse, which can be heard by the child or the tongue involves the other parent. Nor father allow children to hear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions on legal or business relationship between the parents. Nor father must attempt to physically or psychologically, to seek to influence, pressure or influence children on personal opinion or position of the child relating to legal proceedings between the parents. Each parent will allow your child to view photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child's room. Nor father communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child for the choice of parents for other values, lifestyle, choice of friends, successes or failures in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice. The parents the child confirms that the child has two houses, although the child may spend more time at home than the other one. Parents cooperate whenever possible in sharing time with the child.Each parent will allow your child to keep and allow for easy access, correspondence, greeting cards and other written materials, received by the other parent. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of objects owned by the child that depict the other parent or the child's other parent. Nor father trivialize or deny the existence of other parent to child. Father will interrogate the child on the other parent or both parents will discourage comments from children on the other parent. Neither parent will intercept, "Miss", derail, "forget" or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent. Nor father refuses to recognize that the child may have, or should have good experiences with the other parent. Nor father will directly or indirectly to attack or criticize your child's extended family of the other parent, the other parent's career, the life and journey of the other parent, or legitimate activities of the other parent or members of the other parent. Nor father will use the child as an "intermediary" using the child to communicate with the other parent on inappropriate topics. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child, by engaging in "circumstantial syndrome" which is done by manipulating, changing or rearranging the facts. Nor father will create for or exaggerate a child, the differences between the parents. Nor father say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an "ally" against the other parent. Nor father will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents or relatives. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively towards the other parent. Nor father will try to make the child to believe that he or she loves the child more than the other parent, credit, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or over-informing the child about overindulging themes adult or child. Nor father will discuss problems of support of the child with the child. Neither parent will embark on judges, opinionated comment or negative physical inspections or interrogations, once the child comes from his home. Nor father will "rewrite" or "script" facts that the child knows originally be different. Nor father will punish your child physically or threaten such punishment in order to influence the child to take the negative of the parent program, if appropriate, against the other parent. Nor father allow the baby to be carried by a person who is poisoned due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs. Nor father is tobacco smoke materials within structures or vehicles occupied at the time by the child. Each parent will bring gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child with him or her at the residence of another parent or relatives or allow the child to take gifts, baby toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent, if necessary, to facilitate the child with him or her objectsimportant for the child. Gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child which means here the elements that are reasonable and do not include transport pets (that parents agree are impractical to move).Children and divorce, what you need to KnowMeeting the needs of your child during DivorceMore on children and divorce

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Symptoms of midlife crisis

Husband of Joan found a new woman and wanted a divorce. Refused to file for a divorce, though. Joan left her that had never been in love with her, that marriage was a mistake. Joan was devastated!

During the period of eighteen months, husband of Joan changed his mind about his feelings for Joan on a regular basis. Would his bags and leave out the door, spewing verbal abuse. A month later would call in tears that want to come home. In a short time he was out the door again and moving back in with the other woman.

Joan finally filed for divorce and helped him take the decision that he seemed unable to do. They are both now live with the painful consequences of his indecision.

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New Jersey divorce laws


To file for a divorce, the parties must be a resident of the State for a period of one year at least before the filing of the complaint. A divorce may be filed in the county where he resides. The Superior Court has jurisdiction of all cases of divorce, divorce or nullity when not over-dramatise party is a bona fide resident of this State. [Based on New Jersey statutes 2: 34-8 and 2: 34-10]


A divorce will be granted for the following reasons:

Adultery and desertion for more than a year. Extreme cruelty. Living separate and apart for at least 18 months. Habitual drunkenness or addiction for more than 12 months preceding the submission of the complaint. Institutionalisation for mental illness for a period of 24 during the marriage and before the filing of the complaint. Imprisonment of the respondent for 18 consecutive months or more after the marriage, provided that where the action is started after the release of the defendant, the parties have not resumed cohabitation following such imprisonment. Deviant sexual conduct.

[Based on 2A: 34 New Jersey statutes-2]


A divorce from bed and Board may be granted for the same reasons as a divorce from marriage. In all actions, where a decree of divorce from bed and Board entered the Court may issue such prize or prizes to the parties, as well as food and service, to maintain an equitable distribution of property, both real and personal, legally and beneficially acquired by them or either of them during the marriage. [Based on New Jersey statutes 2: 34-3 and 2A: 34-23]


The Court shall order a person who has brought an action for divorce, nullity or separate maintenance with custody, visitation or child support is an issue of the "parents ' Education Program". Each party will attend sessions of the program. [Based on New Jersey statutes 2: 34-12 .5]


New Jersey has been equitable distribution, which means it will be distributed fairly, but not necessarily equal, the marital estate. In making an equitable distribution of property, the Court considers, but not be limited to, the following factors:

The length of the marriage. The age and physical and emotional health of the parties. The income or property brought to the marriage by either party. The standard of living established during the marriage. Any written agreement, made by the parties before or during the marriage, concerning a distribution agreement. The economic circumstances of each party at the time the Division of property becomes effective. The income and earning ability of each party, including the educational background, training, employment skills, work experience, market length of absence from work, custodial responsibility for children and the time and expense necessary to acquire sufficient education or training that enjoyed during the marriage enabled the party to become self-sufficient at a reasonable standard of living comparable to. The contribution of each party to education, training or earning power of others. The contribution of each party to the acquisition, retention, dissipation, appreciation or depreciation in the amount or value of the marital property, as well as the contribution of a party as a homemaker. Tax consequences of the distribution proposal to each party. The present value of the property. The need for a parent who has physical custody of a child to possess or occupy the marital residence and use or possess household effects. The debts and liabilities of the parties. The need for the creation, now or in future, of a trust fund to ensure reasonably predictable medical expenses or educational for a spouse or children. To the extent that a party delayed in achieving their career goals. Any other factor that the judge may consider relevant.

Separate property, real, personal or otherwise, legally or beneficially acquired during the marriage by both parties by gift, devise or intestate succession will not be subject to equitable distribution, except interspousal gifts shall be subject to equitable distribution. [Based on New Jersey statutes 34-2A: 2A: 23 and 34-23 .1]


In all actions brought for the divorce, the divorce from bed and Board, or nullity, the Court may grant one or more of the following types of foods: food; rehabilitative alimony; time-limited food or foods of reimbursement for both parties. In so doing the Court to consider, but not be limited to, the following factors:

The actual needs and capabilities of the parties to pay. The length of the marriage. Age, physical and emotional health of the parties. The standard of living established marriage and the probability that each party can maintain a reasonable standard of living comparable. The ability to gain, levels of education, vocational skills and employability of the parties. The length of absence from the labour market of the party looking for maintenance. Parental responsibilities for children. The time and expense necessary to acquire sufficient education or training to enable the applicant maintenance of finding employment, the availability of training and employment and the opportunity for future purchases of capital assets and income. The history of financial or non financial contributions to the marriage by each party, including contributions to the care and upbringing of children and the loss of personal careers or educational opportunities. The equitable distribution of property ordered and any payments on equitable distribution, directly or indirectly, out of current income, to the extent that this is reasonable, just and equitable. The disposable income for both parties through investment of any assets held by that party. The tax treatment and consequences for both sides of any prize, including the designation of all or part of the payment as a payment is not taxable. Any other factor that the judge may consider relevant.

[Based on New Jersey divorce statutes 2A: 34-23]

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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Parental alienation and PAS

Parental alienation is defined as the deliberate attempt by one of the parents of children from the other parent. An example would be the mother who share too much information about his father's affair with children in an attempt to provoke children towards the parent Port malevolence.

A mother or father might want to alienate children pay back to the grief experienced because of an unwanted divorce. May attempt to alienate the children due to mental illness that keeps the parent by putting the best interests of her children before them. The reasons parents participate in parental alienation are numerous and costly.

On the other hand, estrangement and follows more conflicts erupting between father and son, says expert report Irina Firstein. "We are extremely injured feelings," he says. "There are feelings of betrayal and disappointment."

The father leaves the family for another woman, neglects the time with his children and rejects the damage done to his children could become "estranged" from them. It's fair to say that nobody responds positively to poor treatment, least of all children.

PAS results from a parent working at causing hard feelings between a child and the parent. Estrangement results from a parent behaving badly towards her sons who, in Exchange causes children to cut the contact.

It is not uncommon that a parent who is estranged from children blame the other parent of PAS. It is easier to blame others for bad behavior rather than accept and recognize the bad behavior.

As one to tell the difference between a parent who is a victim of a step and one that is disconnected due to bad behavior? The behavior of his father during the period of alienation or otherness is a good indicator of what is really going on in a parent/child relationship.

Common behaviors to a parent alienated:

A parent who was alienated from her child will continue to pursue a relationship with the child. The parent will attempt to communicate on a regular basis, will send the emails and cards. The father will use the judicial system to fight the alienating parent and keep their legal rights to a relationship with their child.

The alienated parent is not a parent who surrenders or gives. David Goldman is a good example of what it will do a parent alienated in response to the alienating parent. His son was taken in Brazil by his mother who refused to return to the United States and sought a divorce in Brazil.

The Brazilian courts gave custody of the child's mother and former wife of David remarried, and she, her husband and new family used their status and influence to keep his son away from David. David spent five years fighting in Brazilian courts and finally regained custody of her son. No battle was too great, no expense too great for this father who had been alienated by his son.

Common behaviors to a separate parent:

The parent who is estranged from a child for her own bad treatment of the child has an attitude of "wait and see". They did not pursue a relationship with the child, because in their minds the baby that responsible for mending the relationship.

Estranged father will find it difficult or impossible to view the situation from the point of view of their child. You do not see their behaviour as a role in the problem; they feel entitled to misbehave with no repercussions.

More often not estranged father come in contact with in my work. These are people who go months at a time without contact with their children because they are wrapped in each other and spend time with another man/woman or busy building a new life after divorce. Do not understand why their children are waiting with open arms when they find time to fit them into their program.

One man in particular comes to mind. It never went to a school, has refused to enter into consultation with her children when the therapist suggested and spent six years with minimal contact with his children. According to him though his ex-wife is guilty of parental alienation.

His words when asked about the anger of his children to him were, "is what it is, and I can't change, I can only hope they arrive about a day." The alienated parent really would be jumping through hoops to try to reconcile with children. Estranged father cannot do such a thing, because doing so would mean admitting and taking responsibility and relationship with the child is not worth the inconvenience that would come to recognize the harm they have done for the parent/child relationship.

Parental alienation syndrome is dangerous for the emotional well-being of children and parental bond continued with a parent. Is too often used as an excuse by parents villains to justify to themselves the results of that bad parenting and offensive behaviour towards their children.

In both cases, innocent children suffer due to the inability of a parent to put the needs of their children prior to their own needs and if, as a parent can do that then maybe do not deserve a relationship with a child who is just trying to what every child has the right to expect, love, examination and evaluation by a parent.

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Midlife crisis

If your spouse is going through a mid-life crisis, is having an affair or petition for divorce is more than likely feels out of control. You're not sure how to respond and react to the midlife crisis of your spouse or what to do in your life.

It is essential that you know do or say anything that will help your spouse take out of it or become the lover spouse is once again. There are things you can do and say that will help you to navigate the choppy waters of midlife crisis of your spouse, though. Things that will mean you can keep your balance and living fully in spite of their crisis.

When a spouse enters midlife crisis, must confront some painful truths. The odds are against you save your relationship with your spouse. This does not mean that you have to give up hope, people beat the odds of each day. What do you mean that is the life that you choose to live in this moment of crisis should be one that you enjoy and want to continue if your marriage survives or not.

Below are some tips to help you react to the midlife crisis of your spouse in a way that will keep you from spinning out of control with him/her:


Make the changes that you feel will make you a better person. If you have issues that need to be worked on, work on these issues. Don't get stuck with a focus on the issues of your spouse and trying to figure out ways to help him/her to deal with these issues. Consume energy in a place that you know that you will get a return on the energy expended ... on yourself.

Paul and his wife Sandy had been married 23 years when started midlife crisis of Sandy. Paul, being a clever fella realized that there were problems in the marriage had been unhappy with Sandy for years. He had ignored her "annoying" because he felt Sandy was reacting to what he saw as the minor problems in the marriage.

Paul went to work changing personal issues, and that he had once seen such modifications, Sandy has found it difficult to stay away from Paul. He felt drawn to him instead of feeling the need to withdraw from him. Because of changes that Paul made his marriage to Sandy was restored.

The good news is, even if the marriage is restored will there have been changes in yourself which will help you in your daily life and any future relationship.

Get a life:

Find things you want to do with your life. The motivation is not to get your spouse to notice that you are getting a lifetime but, in order to actually get a life that is not dependent of your relationship with your spouse. Get a hobby, join a gym, take the vacation that you want to take it for years.

When the husband of Lucy began his midlife crisis, has addressed the issue directly and started doing all the things that he did not have the ability to do why not join her husband. It took a long desired holiday in London. Entered in hiking and travel club with his clubs around the country interesting walking routes. She left him to face his problems and he got on with the business of living.

Lucy is now divorced, but she's not sitting at home feeling sorry for herself or her bitter ex for ruining his life. She's out getting everything you can out of life because Lucy realizes that his life is one on which you have no control over, and she is determined to make a good living.

Acceptance of the practice:

Change is not easy, especially when such a change means the loss of the relationship with your spouse. Fight against in your relationship is what you will be blocked and unable to move forward with your life. To survive means of midlife crisis of your spouse works with what you have, not continually pondering what might be able to do to bring him/her back to the marriage.

If the user does not accept that the reality of what is happening in your marriage due to a midlife crisis, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to improve the circumstances of life. To live a happy, fulfilling life you must accept what is happening with your spouse and your marriage. Must refuse resolutely enable the midlife crisis of your spouse to define how you live your life and what you get out of life now and in the future. Acceptance is not easy, but before you get to a place of acceptance will overcome the loss of a spouse who you knew and grow stronger in your life.

Be patient:

Practice patience with yourself and your spouse. You are both going through changes and tough as the one you are verifying that he/she is experiencing a high level of emotional pain too. It does not make any changes that you have to overnight and your spouse will not work its way through their crisis on the timeline.

Don't beat yourself to relapse or should advance rapidly as you feel. Time is that your friend so be prepared for time pass. Time that you can use to build a better life and become a better person. When your spouse doing something crazy or frustrating, try to remember that they are experiencing confusion and frustrating emotions, just as you are. Eventually, they both end up where you need to be. Don't become hospitalized and trying to rush the process.

View the original article here

The blame

Blaming other people or circumstances seems to be the way that some people deal with conflict or unpleasant situations. When I think of a climate of blame in a conjugal relationship, I think that the marriage has a negative effect.Effects such as:

Fear of taking a risk.
Fear of taking responsibility.
Fear of making a decision.
Afraid to offer a different opinion.
Feelings of resentment.
Increaded emotional stress.
Decreased desire to communicate.
A sense of powerlessness and discouragement.
Decrease in passion and intimacy.

Fault in marital relationships, feelings of powerlessness, despair and misery for the spouse on the receiving end of all causes that guilt.

Blame protects a spouse and harms the other:

Blame allows a spouse to put the responsibility on their partner and everything that is different from himself. This means that the spouse should not experience the discomfort of watching their guilt or responsibility for the situation. If a spouse does not have to look at their guilt or responsibility which means that you do not have to change. This is the other person who needs to change … with problems and blame the spouse can stay in their comfort zone.

Abraham Maslow, said, "one can spend a lifetime assigning blame, finding the cause ' out there ' for all the problems that exist. This contrasts with the responsible attitude '' to confront the situation, badly or well and instead of asking, ' what caused the problem? Who's to blame? "asks ' how can I handle this situation to make the most of it? What can I save here? "

The next time the spouse fault instead of taking responsibility to tell him/her that fail to have a responsible attitude. And, in doing so, they fail to get the most out of the situation they can.

Related content:

The spouse call you names?
The spouse makes use of words to ashamed?
Scream your spouse, swear and scream at you?
Does your spouse use threats to intimidate you?
The spouse reject your feelings?
The marriage is making you sick?
Is your spouse verbally manipulate you?

View the original article here

Mediation or divorce lawyer


The choice of which hire divorce lawyer is overwhelming. The number of divorce lawyers in the phone book makes your head spin. You've heard the horror stories of friends about how horrid and expensive divorce was and you want to avoid that pain but how should run? This is a very natural response to what you saw and heard. You have enough sense to know your friends are not divorce lawyers, so you must choose carefully. Your future and that of your children will depend on how to proceed.

Having been a divorce lawyer from 1996 internal dirty secrets will tell you and warn you what to look for. In California, and perhaps in their own State, divorce lawyers are the only kind of lawyers, whose expenditures are protected by law, in equity in the House of their reviews. It is important to know how they are remunerated divorce lawyers in your State and find that before you start.

Have the right to run huge bills and then slap a pledge for your home and force a sale at the end of the case? Over the years I have seen many, many attorneys do everything in their power to keep the case going so they could work a Bill, because they knew they were going to be paid. People who advertise themselves as "aggressive" are playing for your worst instincts. Everyone wants more can get in their divorce settlement? If so, keep away from aggressive lawyers, because by the time they are done, there will be little to divide.

Issues of custody and visitation, child cough up fighting tiger in a lot of people because they are so angry with their former is difficult for them to see what their children need both parents in their lives. It is the rare case where it would be in the best interests of the child have parental limits on contact.

Your attention during the divorce, as well as your life, should be on what is best for children. Divorce lawyers handling customers emotionally vulnerable, encouraging them to fight on children does not make them any favors. Depends on the age of the children, you can have a very long report, looking in front of you. You really need to start World War III with the father or the mother of the child? A more child-oriented lawyer will understand the need to create a peaceful relationship with your ex and not to engage in a scorched earth policy.

The battle on the Division of property can be one that has the slightest sense. How often people spend more money on fighting what the stuff is worth? People will get more if they cooperate with each other. This may seem counter intuitive to you, but it is true. Think of it as dividing a cake. That way it will become more and more, if it is cut in half between the two spouses or if you cut in 4ths so that each spouse and their lawyer Gets a share. Obviously less hands in the pie more you get.

What is the solution? As you can find the right divorce lawyer who has the intention to serve you instead of themselves? Going to start with some statements and then I'm going to ask you a question. It is a fact that our legal system is adversarial. This means that the battle has winners and losers.

The rules of evidence and legal forms are so complicated that you need to hire a guide to get through the divorce process, because it would be a full-time job, trying to figure out alone. So here's the bigger question, makes sense to avoid the adversarial system for divorce? Whether to stay out of court and saving money on legal fees, protecting your assets and the relationship trying sounds good to you, then you really should explore mediation.

So let's say you want to proceed with mediation. You want to make sure the broker that you are using has a great track record. The most important thing that you want to know is how many couples who have worked with and what percentage is established. Once you find that out you can compare prices, length of time and other factors such as personality and sex of the Mediator before making up your mind. The important thing is to have all the information you need to take an informed decision. Remember that you only get a chance to have a "good divorce", so don't go down the wrong path because you don't like the destination.

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Divorce process

When in emotional pain, one might fight to keep control of the situation in an attempt to lessen their pain. If we are busy trying to control what is happening to us, we cannot see what could happen to us if we were more open.

I know a woman whose husband wanted a divorce. He has fought every step of the way during the legal process of divorce. It was his belief that marriage has always been and she would do anything in his power to prevent him from breaking their family.

Many years after this woman is still trying to control the situation, based on his belief that marriage is forever. In a perfect world last marriage, which was his world, however, and she cannot give control over the fact that the marriage ended.

Her ex-husband has a new wife and went on with his life. She now is putting most of its energy in changing state divorce laws to make it more difficult to get a divorce. You and I share the belief that the divorce laws are too lenient, the difference between you and I is that she has become a movement all consuming. She has moved her to check whether or not its marriage survived to check the laws that allowed the husband to divorce.

I often wonder what she doing with her life if she let go of the need to control if the husband continued to love it. Whether or not he had control of the legal system that allowed the husband to no more than he loves her.

Are you trying to control what course you are taking your wedding? They are bent and determined to control how another person responding to or behave towards you? Stop and think about what you doing differently with your life if you let go of your need to control that person.

When you wake up tomorrow, let go the specifications need to be in control. Choose to do something that will bring enjoyment to your life. At the end of the day will not be able to deny that you've had a day better, much better than those days when you're trying to control and influence others.

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Friday, June 24, 2011

Idaho divorce laws

To file for a divorce in Idaho, the plaintiff must be a State resident for at least 6 weeks before filing. The divorce may be filed with the District Court of the county where the spouses resides

Both parents may be ordered to pay child support, with the assumption that both parents share legal responsibility for supporting their child. That the legal responsibility should be divided in proportion to their income guidelines, if they are separated, divorced, remarried, or never married. For a discussion of the determination of child support, please read the Idaho Child Support Guidelines:

Basics of orientation. These Child Support Guidelines is based on the following basic principles to guide parents, lawyers and judges in child support obligations to:

Both parents share legal responsibility for supporting their child. That the legal responsibility should be divided in proportion to their income guidelines, if they are separated, divorced, remarried, or never married. In any proceedings where child support is concerned, child support must be given priority over the demands of the parents or of the creditors in the allocation of resources to families. Only after careful consideration should the Court delayed implementation of the guidelines because of the assumption of debt. Support is determined without regard to the gender of the custodial parent. Rarely the child support obligation must be set to zero. If the paying parent's monthly income is less than $ 800.00, the Court should examine carefully the income and living expenses to determine the maximum amount of support that can reasonably be ordered without denying a parent means to support autonomous to a minimum level of subsistence. There shall be a rebuttable presumption that a minimum amount of support is at least $ 50.00 per month for each child.

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Healthy anger

In a healthy marriage both spouses feel free to express their emotions, needs and desires. It is inevitable that express emotions can sometimes express anger, healthy and involved in the conflict. Anger is part of a healthy relationship if the anger expressed correctly.

During my work as an educator I remember a couple's wedding, Joan and Mark, both in their late 40s. They came to me for help, hoping to save their marriage from divorce.

Joan had suffered from depression for most of their marriage for 20 years. Both expressed a deep love for each other but Mark felt that he could not handle is no longer constant state of Joan depression.

Joan was through therapy, with several different therapists. It was medication, and turn off the drug. Nothing Joan tried to tackle her depression and find that a solution had worked.

For some reason she could not "feel like the person" was the first married Mark. After determining that there were no genetic or physical reasons for depression of Joan I was led to the conclusion that his depression had to be related somehow to the marriage.

I had a strong feeling that the depression of situational and Joan was observing demeanour of Mark has had a good idea what were the problems in the marriage and caused the depression. It was a sort of pick up in person. Often, answering questions meant to Joan.

Most situational depression is caused by anger at others or anger for others that was turned inward. I suspect that the depression of Joan was nothing more than the anger and resentment toward Mark. Anger that she had turned inward upon himself.

When I ask Joan and Mark how often they got angry at each other and have not responded, I've never known my suspicions were correct. I explained to them that by claiming it was a way of being heard, both having their needs met. And that when one or the other set aside their demands in order to maintain piece in marriage, then that person wasn't really a part of marriage. It was not necessary!

Joan had given up herself, when she married. He thought it was his Christian duty to submit to her husband and in her submission that didn't make waves or rocking boats. Joan was the type of person to go along with her husband's assertive ideas of what was right and wrong for marriage and couples.

If done correctly arguing, conflicts and friction in a marriage will refine and strengthen marriage. I have worked with Joan and Mark for a few months. Joan had to learn to be more assertive. Mark had to learn that his manner was not the only way.

As Joan has become more convenient to express her emotions and her needs the depression began to lift. She was able to turn that anger and resentment towards the outside in a healthy manner. In this way he saved herself and her wedding!

What are the rules of healthy claiming that I taught Joan and Mark?

Tell the truth in a loving way. Anger can be communicated without name calling, screaming, yelling or threatening. Feelings of anger, you should replace the feelings of love. It is important to realize that being angry at someone Doe not mean that no more you love them. Not should I or shouldn't ts are allowed in your talk to each other, because the spouse who is using them instead to be a parent of a spouse. Do not say that the spouse what should or shouldn't do. You say that a spouse what you'd like them to do and then give them the opportunity to choose whether or not it is something they want to do. Use messages "Feel". Remember, with emotions are made. Both should be supported and in a way that doesn't put the other spouse on the defensive. A "Feel" message allows you to express how she felt something he/she has done or said. Gives you the opportunity to express their feelings, but does not necessarily mean you'll get your way but at least you get to express your feelings.

Consider this, however, "I" messages will be met with more openness is always saying, "so and so", or "You hurt me." Want to talk about how you feel, do not point the finger at what did your spouse or did not.

Don't jump to conclusions about what is thinking or feeling your spouse. If you want to know, ask him/her. Just because you share your feelings does not mean your spouse "hear" what they were saying.

During communication that we need to express and listen to be understood. Many of us are guilty of feeling something other than what is actually said. Make sure you express your needs and that your spouse understands these needs. Asking to repeat to you what you have said will help you. If you are being misunderstood, you can resolve a misunderstanding!

Joan was under the impression that if he shared his feelings and expresses anger at her husband would withdraw from you, growing apart. Feelings of anger, when properly shared, do the same as the feelings of love; they meet a couple closer.

You get to know and understand each other better. Feels more secure within the report, if you know that is sure to express your feelings of anger. You learn that the marriage is not a competition, a game in which one spouse has more control than the other.

Nothing promotes love and intimacy over work together without fear of reprisal ... with a commitment to do what is best for the wedding.

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Collaborative divorce

Reply: A collaborative divorce occurs when spouses are able to work out a deal with going to divorce Court.

Divorce spouses must decide how you want to proceed and if they're going to need help from lawyers, mediators and other divorce professionals. Some couples end up in a situation of conflict, along with lawyers representing both sides and trying to get everything that you can get. Then, others will be able to agree on how to divide property and share custody if there are children. You might just need help in preparing legal documents to finalize the divorce. Many couples are in the middle and will need the help of a mediator to reach agreement on a final settlement.

Couples who have different viewpoints on issues such as the Division of property, custody, spousal or child support may go through a divorce also hire an Ombudsman collaborative to help resolve any disputes. We all have a choice as our divorce will proceed. Collaborative divorce is a benefit for all concerned and is not used only by those who are completely agree on all issues.

How does the collaborative process?

Collaborative divorce is a process in which you and your spouse to negotiate an acceptable agreement with some professional help. You and your spouse each hire a lawyer to specially format that encourages collaboration and helps negotiate a settlement. Meets separately with their lawyer and the four of you meet on a regular basis. A collaborative divorce may also involve other professionals, as an expert in child custody or accountants.

Normally, the spouses and their lawyers signed an agreement that requires lawyers to withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and the case goes to Court. Collaborative divorce lawyers not to represent you if you end up in divorce court. You will have to find a lawyer more contradictory.

If you are able to reach an agreement at the end you will have contact with a family court judge, so he can sign the agreement. Through collaboration, you can keep that contact short and manageable. Once you have reached agreement on all issues, the legal divorce is a simple procedure, not disputed that does not require a contested hearings on process or test points and pretrial maneuvering as interrogators and disclosure.

How does the divorce collaborative help?

Collaboration can reduce the costs of conflict and divorce five ways. You and your spouse can:

Stabilize the situation through a temporary agreement. Voluntarily exchange of all necessary information. Agree legal procedures that reduce costs and simplify the process. Negotiate an agreement that works for both. Reach agreement on how to post divorce issue will be handled.

If you use the collaborative approach from the very beginning of your divorce or just part of it, you will save time and money. Most importantly, you'll get through the divorce process with your dignity intact and moral standards.

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Child health coverage

You and your spouse divorce. Divorce means that your children have two houses with two parents caring for children at different times. It is important that children have health insurance when in the care of both parents. Doing this can be complicated and you play an important role during the divorce settlement negotiations.

What you will have to determine is how both will work together to keep the health insurance for your children.

Below are some things you need to know:

Who is responsible.

You will be responsible; your ex-spouse liable? This might depend on whether either of you has a group health coverage through your employer. If the health of the group is not available you will decide how you plan to keep the baby and that will cost. If the insurance must be purchased to both parents would share the cost with each share in a certain portion of co-pays. The important thing is that this problem to negotiate and then get it in writing in your final decree of divorce.

If you both have health coverage.

Double coverage on both plans means that the child is protected, no matter which parent are with. The plans cover would be designated as "primary" and "secondary". The secondary plan would cover many of the costs not covered by the main floor. All you need to do is decide which parent carries the primary and most insurance companies have a formula or rule that will help you make the decision.

If your child has medical problems.

If the child has a pre-existing medical condition an individual's health care plan can cover the child, but they refuse to pay all the costs relating to pre-existing conditions. You should make every effort to maintain any group health plans available to you or your former spouse. Group plans are just plans not allowed to refuse your child or limit coverage because of pre-existing conditions.

Paying co-pays.

Along with who is responsible for health care coverage that pays co-pays also should be decided. Most parents choose to pay a percentage of all co-pays. For example, the custodial parent may be responsible for 25% of medical expenses out of pocket and the non-custodial parent is responsible for 75% of medical expenses out of pocket. This figure is normally based on which parent can afford to take on the cost more.

Be careful though, just because it's written in a final judgment of divorce does not mean they will follow both parents with what was agreed. Once you and your ex-spouse reach agreement who pays what amount against co-pays, you need to make a contract with your child's doctor. The billing Office at the Office of your child's doctor is not concerned with what it says your divorce final grade. They are concerned to obtain the money owed to them.

If you are the person who takes the child to the doctor, will take into account is the person responsible for paying co-pays and expect to pay them in full. They are not legally a part of out of pocket expenses and then bill your ex-spouse for his part, unless an agreement is filed with the Office billing. That the contract must indicate that you are being billed separately for a predetermined percentage of the Bill and the contract must be signed by both parents. Doing this keeps both parents be held liable if the other parent refuses to pay the sum agreed to co-pay. Prevents billing Office coming after you and, if you fail to pay keeps them from being able to deliver to collections or, worse, reporting the debt on your credit report.

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Massachusetts divorce laws


In determining the amount of child support obligation, the Court applies the child support guidelines, with the presumption that the amount of the order that would result from the application of the guidelines is the proper amount of child support ordered. The Court may depart from the guidelines, if the quantity ordered would be unjust or inappropriate under the circumstances. This gap must include the specific circumstances of this case which justify a departure from the guidelines; and that such a departure is consistent with the interests of the child.

Support may continue for a child who has attained eighteen years of age, but who has not reached twenty-one years and that is resident in the home of a parent and depends mainly on the parent said to maintenance. The Court may issue appropriate orders of maintenance, support and education for every child who has attained twenty-one age but who has not reached age twenty, if the child is domiciled in the home of a parent and depends mainly on the parent said to care for the child in an educational program, excluding costs of education beyond a Bachelor. [Based on the general laws of Massachusetts Chapter 208-28]


At any time prior to the marriage, the parties may make a written contract of provision that, after the marriage is solemnized, entire or any designated part of real or personal property or any right of action, that party may be seized or possessed at the time of the marriage, shall remain or become the property of the husband or wife, the terms of the contract. [Based on the general laws of Massachusetts Chapter 209-25]

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Verbal abuse

I recently received an email from a reader. Below is an excerpt from that email.

"My husband cries constantly. The least little thing he gets. The other day not to load the dishwasher the way he thought it should be. For 30 minutes, I had to hear him yelling and cursing about how he is the only one here who knows how to do things the right way.

You should hear the things that he shouts at my son, while coaching him in baseball. What I want to know is, is this bad for me and my son have to hear someone yelling and screaming all the time. "

My answer to the reader? YES! The husband has clearly the problems of managing anger and she and her son will suffer the consequences if she allows the behavior to continue. This is clearly a case of verbal abuse.

There are healthy ways to express anger and husband of this player needs to learn that he communicate so loving, respectful, or not communicate at all. There are steps you can take to change the situation. However, if the husband does not change, there are steps … divorce, you can take to protect herself and her son from the negative consequences of verbal abuse of her husband.

Related content:

The spouse call you names?
The spouse makes use of words to ashamed?
Does your spouse use threats to intimidate you?
The spouse you blame for their bad behavior?
The spouse reject your feelings?
The marriage is making you sick?
Is your spouse verbally manipulate you?

View the original article here

Kansas divorce laws


To file for a divorce in Kansas, spouse must be a State resident for at least 60 days before the filing. The divorce petition must be filed with the District Court of the county where the spouses resides. [Based on Kansas Statutes 1603-60-16]


A divorce or separation may be founded on the following reasons:

Incompatibility to breach a conjugal duty or obligation material. Established the mental illness or mental disability of either or both spouses.

[Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1601]


A legal separation may be granted for the same reasons as a divorce and may contain provisions detailing how matters will be handled during the separation, including provisions relating to a parenting plan. All provisions relating to the legal custody, parenting time residence, visitation, support or education of minors should be subject to review by the Court. A separation agreement can be embedded in a decree of divorce, if the Court finds that it is valid, just and equitable. [Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1601]


Parents may be required to attend a parent education classes, and if they aren't able to come to an agreement concerning parental responsibility, the Court may require the mediation unless the mediation would be inappropriate in the particular case. [Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1626]


Kansas is one of equitable distribution, which means that the property will be distributed fairly if the parties cannot reach an agreement. The Court shall take into account the following factors when dividing marital property:

The age of the parties. The length of the marriage. The property is owned by each party. Each spouse of present and future earning capacity. As the property was acquired. Family ties and obligations. The maintenance or the lack thereof. Dissipation of assets. Tax consequences of the Division of property on their respective economic circumstances of the parties. Other factors as the Court considers it necessary to make a fair and reasonable division of property.

[Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1610]


Spouse may be granted to spouse in an amount the Court finds to be fair, just and equitable under all circumstances. Maintenance can be granted as a lump sum of periodic payments, on a percentage of income, and the Court cannot grant maintenance over a period of time in excess of 121 months. If the original Decree contains provisions empowering the Court to hear the next movements, and these movements are filed before the cessation of 121 months, then the Court may extend for a period not exceeding 121 months. [Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1610]


The Court shall order the restoration of the maiden who's spouse or former name at the request of that spouse. [Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1610]


Both parents can be assigned into custody. If custody is at issue, it shall be decided by the Court based on the interests of the child, taking into account the following factors: the desires of parents in relation to custody. The wishes of the child concerning custody. The interaction and the interrelationship of the child with the parents. Adjustment of the child to the child's home, school and community. The willingness and ability of each parent to respect and foster the bond between the other parent and child. Test of spousal or child abuse by father or someone with whom the parent resides. If a parent or someone with whom a parent resides is subject to registration.

[Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-1610]


Regardless of the regime of custody ordered by the Court, the Court may order the child support expenses and education must pay one or both parents. In determining the amount of child support, the Court must use the child support guidelines, Kansas. Child support ends in 18 years, unless the parents reach a written agreement to extend the support, the kid turns 18 before completing high school. [Based on Kansas Statutes 60-16-38-1598 and 1610]

View the original article here