This is an opinion based article, written after years of working with clients. There is no scientific research to what I'm about to share thoughts and opinions, only that I have gathered during my career as a trainer/consultant of divorce.
I hear people say are often divorced because of infidelity or "growing apart", or better yet, "I fell out of love." I've often wondered if these people cheat, grown in a different direction or fall love never think of what I have there … to the point of divorce.
As or even better, because people go from happily married to divorced? Something happens between these two points and has little to do with infidelity or fall of love and everything to do with the two people who are a party to the marriage.
The leading causes of divorce: Laziness:
People don't want to work at the wedding. There is a wrong belief that marriage will make us happy. As if the marriage is a separate entity, something outside of ourselves that survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife.
Women plan huge weddings; bridal showers to throw and go into marriage have no idea what marriage is. men find a woman, worship and work to take care of only to find himself married to someone who just wants more and then a little more after that.
What happens when they both become disillusioned with their marriage? Begin to look outside themselves to define problems in the marriage instead of watching the situation and asking, "what can I do to make things better?"
Blame seems to be the path of least resistance. It is easier to blame a spouse or a marriage in general than to assume responsibility for how they are living within their marriage, and that any changes that may need to allow a marriage to flourish.
People are too lazy to make self-exploration, learn better ability to report and put the personal effort required in a marriage. Bottom line, marriage takes the hard work and if you aren't busy working hard a marriage won't last.Lack of communication skills:
Pure and simple, people do not know how to talk to each other and know even less. The most important conversations people have are with a spouse, but they put so little effort wisely express their feelings openly and listening to their spouse.
It is also common for spouses want to avoid the conversation fear that will cause them pain or their spouse. If it is unable to communicate, manages to solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a conjugal relationship is through the ability to open and honest communication. If TALKING and listening doesn't become a habit there is no hope.High expectations:
As Sam Walton said, "great expectations are the key to everything" unless of course we are talking about marriage. Expectations and laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage ends in divorce.
The woman who bought the expensive wedding gown probably also has very high expectations of marriage. Men and women make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a wedding. These hypotheses are based on many variables and problems arise when the result (marriage) does not satisfy the assumptions or expectations.
Marital expectations rarely aligns with the reality of what life is like inside the marriage. I'll give you an example of unmet expectations from my marriage. Women are taught by society that men want sex, that men think about sex and that sex is just second nature to men. According to the company, if you marry a man you can expect that the man wants sex with you.
I married a man who has defined its own rules when it came to sex. He did not think about sex, it was second nature to him and because he married a woman who thinks her husband her sexual desire is superfluous to say that there have been problems in the marriage, problems that lead to divorce.
If he had talked to me before the wedding, his lack of desire for sex would not marry him. You see, this is where communication and expectations play a role in the outcome of weddings. Communication before marriage can hold down any one may have unrealistic expectations of marriage.
In conclusion, it is my belief that divorce is not about infidelity or unhappiness. Divorce can be and is avoided by those who are willing to work hard at the wedding, those who know how to communicate effectively and those whose expectations are realistic.
Nine times out of ten if a husband or wife betrays them cheating due to problems in the marriage. Problems that could have been resolved if the work has been done, there had been communication, and realistic expectations. The same applies to those who say that "grew apart" or "fell out of love." Marriages are to be powered, if not fall victim to a myriad of problems. We are nurturing your marriage?